bitchfest

i cleaned the nastiest toilet i've encountered so far today. for some reason, i was outraged. it was like that shit-stain was a personal attack against me. that guest just wanted to crap all over my morning. in a strange coincidence there were cookie crumbs all around the toilet. who eats cookies in the bathroom?

i clean rooms for eight hours every day. i can literally feel my brain shrinking for lack of use. and after all this physically demanding work, i still can't afford to do the things i want to do in queenstown. i'm starting to rethink why i came here. i didn't come to new zealand to settle and this feels like settling. i came here to live differently than i was in texas. it seems like i'm stagnating here without any real goal or direction. the whole point of my having a job is to be able to fund the activities that are specifically new zealand. i can't bungi-jump at home, i can't go to milford sound...

at the same time, i don't want to jump the gun and go home just because things aren't working out the way i want them to. i'm already here, it will be much harder to come back than to go home...but right now that's all i want to do. i want to celebrate halloween in texas. nobody gets it here. i am the only one dressed up, mostly as an act of defiance because i'm fed up with new zealand. i'm tired of paying $5 for milk. i'm tired of $13 hamburgers. i'm tired of not being able to get a TACO when i want one, which is pretty much every second of every day.

so tonight i'm going out with my friends and i'll head home early because i have to be at work at 7am to scrub some more toilets. then i'll try to find a place to live that doesn't require me to hike up a mountain to get to it.

i miss texas and my friends and family. this homesickness is harder to shake than i thought it would be.